white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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