then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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