You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
