I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
