do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
