Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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