I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
