I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
