I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
