i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
