I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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