I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
My feet surprised me
Randomize
