just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
