The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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