She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
