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I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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