I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
