Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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