I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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