New invention idea: vibrating tampons
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Randomize
