Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
