My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I have post one night stand depression
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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