Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
we're making bets on your personal life
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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