Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
