Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
