Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
