there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
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He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
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Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
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