I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
