a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
