a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
