Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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