6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
