So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
