i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I wish there were birth control emojis
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
