Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
