I cannot find my penis.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
