i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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