My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
