I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
