when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
