That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
3 2 1 whiskey
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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