I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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