OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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