it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
