I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
