cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
