I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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