Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Congratulations! We have a period
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize