i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
im six kinds of drunk right now
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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