you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
