I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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