highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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