I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
