i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
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from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
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I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize