I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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