Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
