I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
