Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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