Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
i love accidental penises.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
