She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
